So here it is… for a while now I’ve been going through some stuff. I don’t really need to get into the details, suffice it to say that it’s not been the easiest ride. And in terms of trying to make things better, the one thing I’ve realised today that has been missing is to take control.
I’ve been reading this: http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/ which has some good, sound advice. I’m sure I’ll get something out of the book I’m reading too (The Compassionate Mind, if you’re interested) if I let myself.
And there’s the key “if I let myself”. What I’ve been doing is letting myself take the easy route. The one that means I sink rather than swim. The one that means I’ve been seen to not be fighting, or to give up too easily. I can get and have gotten angry enough at that to make me want to change it, but then that’s not exactly the right approach to take.
I’m never really full of joie de vivré, even though my life is essentially a good one. Bad things weigh too heavily, good things easily get forgotten about. There’s something to take control of right there. I have to not let things slide all around me, it is easier said than done, believe me, but it must be done.
I can’t look at things other people experience as my fault, as needing to apologise when someone felt some way from some action I took. I’m taking control of the wrong thing there, making something mine which shouldn’t… can’t… be. All because it’s easier in my head to feel bad, to feel sorry for things.
I also can’t keep saying “oh, life’s given me lemons, I must be so awful to not get kiwis instead” - it’s life. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it’s awesome. It’s not my fault, I’m not that special in the grand scheme of things. I am small and the world is big.
What I can do is make things better for myself, and for the people around me. And that means taking control - of illness, and of those bits and pieces of life that make you feel rubbish when they’re going bad, and awesomely productive when they’re going well (finances, work, housekeeping - I’m looking at you here).
I have to take responsibility of the things I can change, fight the things I have to. And I have to stop taking responsibility for the things I can’t change, stop all the sorryness and “the-world-actually-does-revolve-around-me-ness”.
I hope if anyone else reading this is in even a slightly similar position, they’ll see this as good sense. For those who I care about and who care about me, please bear with me a little longer. For everyone else - I no longer give a fuck.
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